I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
