and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
