it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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