I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
