So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
