So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
