I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well you can't waste a boner
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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