I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
