Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
