my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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