dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
