My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
