: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
