My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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