She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
