I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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