..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We talked him into tasing himself.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
