I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
