when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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