We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
