I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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