Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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