When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I stole a fireplace last night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
