my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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