I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
