If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
