We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
