i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize