I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
