I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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