Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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