What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
