Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
