Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
