She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
