I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
