let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
