You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
