I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
