im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
