Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
