Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
