Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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