Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize