This is not my ceiling
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
