Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
