can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
