my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
