my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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