im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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