My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
