go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
