If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you remember whose house we're in?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
