He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
